I was recently asked what I value most in life. My automatic response was just that, automated. I answered the obvious in my head- my son, my family, my job... And while I love those things, especially my son, dearly, I think it goes a little deeper than just the obvious. I think when we sit down and reflect on our lives, sometimes our reflections are a little vague. Okay, maybe it's just me who does that. I'm so wrapped up in the now that I lose sight of how I got here and where I plan to go. And here I go, thinking again.
My life has been a whirlwind of dramatics and severely drastic changes. Going from a high school student, to a United States solider, to a wife and mother, to a single mom in the span of 4 years isn't really taking it slow, is it? It seems like lately I've focused all of my attention on the perpetual burns my life has dealt me, and that makes me a fool.
So what do I value most in my life? My son, Big Pimpin', has taught me a lot about this particular subject. By the way, he is two- and I'm here to tell you that two year olds know more about the value of life than we do as adults. I swear. They are bona fide geniuses when it comes to life minus the whole screaming in aisle 3 at Wal-Mart because I want A CHOCOLATE MILK RIGHT NOW!
I could watch him live life for days and never get bored. Sure, he doesn't have a bill to pay or a deadline to meet. And yeah, he doesn't have to cook dinner or even wipe his own ass, but the boy knows that sometimes- just sometimes, it's all about him. He cares about his belongings, as if his 300 matchbox cars love him back. He'll eat his food when he is damn good and ready to eat his food. He'll poop in his pants and watch Dora all damn day if he wants to. And if he doesn't get the piece of candy he wanted because it was either that or he'd obviously die, well fine. He'll just go to his room and die. Then come ask me for candy again in 5 minutes. All he knows is that his needs and wants must be met before his world can continue turning. Then I must remember, he is two and all two year olds couldn't give a shit about anyone but themselves, but I digress.
Sometimes I live my life through pleasing other people. I think of what other people will think of me over what would make me happy. The praises and the contentment in formal and informal relationships seem to stress me out because it's all I worry about. The money in my bank, the ex-husband, the boss across the office, the bills, the ex-inlaws. I carefully and ever so tactfully walk on eggs shells around these things. I worry that one wrong move will ruin my reputation and forever burden my will to live. What about me? Have I forgotten that in my life, one of the most valuable things is... well, me?
So this time, this post, just this once, the thing I value most in my life is... me.